I haven't posted on here for awhile. I want to say i have been busy. but that isnt the case. ive just been ignoring this part of my life, and ill be honest with you, its been empty. heres a quick catch up about me: i got a new job working super early mornings (3am) and i still havent quite figured out how to make a routine schedule with that. i was planning on starting another semester at school, but it took too long to find a new job, and i didnt want to cause problems either way, so im stuck with a semester off. at first i thought it would be nice to just worry about work but I'm seeing now that im just bored. i work, go to the gym, try to find time to hang out with friends and sleep whenever i can in between. so with that random schedule my gospel studies have struggled, and withered away...
at first i was fine. but as the weeks went on i drifted farther away from my daily studies. i began to regress into thoughts of my past. i gave up talking to the new girls i met and started thinking back to the one i left behind. i started wishing i could go back and just live my life the way it was then so that i still had her. i mean we were happy. we had fun.
and so i started slipping slowly back into that life. i started doing the things that i promised myself i would never go back to. i started just doing whatever felt like fun at the moment. went to a few parties. met a few new girls. just did whatever. forgot about my priorities and my goals and just started living in the moment. and yes ill admit i had some fun. but that feeling never lasted more than that moment. by the next day i was bored and unhappy and looking for the next thing to kill time. and before i knew it i was stuck in a rut. a boring, unproductive, living in the minute rut.
now before you go and get offended, if this is the life you live and love, let me say this. we all came to this earth with our own bodies and our own goals. if your happy where your at and you wouldnt change a thing then good for you. but for me its not good enough. i have to be moving forward. i need to push on and be productive and do things for others. i want and need constant progress in my life.
so anyways back to my thoughts. so im spending these last few weeks maybe months just doing whatever and as days go by i started realizing exactly what i started realizing the last time i was living like this. something was missing. something didnt feel right and i wasnt truly happy. but of course this time around i know exactly what it is that im missing. ive been down this road before. and thats the funny part. im sitting here knowing im unhappy, i know I'm not doing what i want and should be doing, and i even know exactly what i need to do to fix it. and yet i still ignore it and dont make a change! some of you have been here before and know exactly what im talking about. its like when you get sick and you know you should go to the doctor because it will help you recover, but you put it off cuz really, you feel "well enough", just give it some time and youll probably get better soon. why do we do this to ourselves? why do we sit here with the answer right in front of us and not reach out and grab it!
heres the real point im getting at here. we all have that voice inside us. that one that wispers little hinting thoughts about what we should or shouldnt do. most people call that our jimminy cricket aka our conscious. but i call it the holy spirit. my celestial spark. we can make whatever choices we want. but every choice we make will have its consequence. i have lived my life several different ways and ive seen what makes me truly happy. i have chosen to follow that voice, to let it guide me when i feel lost. and in order for me to be able to hear that whisper i need to eliminate the noise. i need to pick myself up, dust off, and get back on the path to my father in heaven. i dont know why i fight within myself to do what i know i need to do. i dont know what makes it so hard to keep focused. but i do know that hard work pays off and that in the end i will make it where i want to be if i just keep taking another step forward.
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