living lost and knowing it

I haven't posted on here for awhile. I want to say i have been busy. but that isnt the case. ive just been ignoring this part of my life, and ill be honest with you, its been empty. heres a quick catch up about me: i got a new job working super early mornings (3am) and i still havent quite figured out how to make a routine schedule with that. i was planning on starting another semester at school, but it took too long to find a new job, and i didnt want to cause problems either way, so im stuck with a semester off. at first i thought it would be nice to just worry about work but I'm seeing now that im just bored. i work, go to the gym, try to find time to hang out with friends and sleep whenever i can in between. so with that random schedule my gospel studies have struggled, and withered away...

at first i was fine. but as the weeks went on i drifted farther away from my daily studies. i began to regress into thoughts of my past. i gave up talking to the new girls i met and started thinking back to the one i left behind. i started wishing i could go back and just live my life the way it was then so that i still had her. i mean we were happy. we had fun.
and so i started slipping slowly back into that life. i started doing the things that i promised myself i would never go back to. i started just doing whatever felt like fun at the moment. went to a few parties. met a few new girls. just did whatever. forgot about my priorities and my goals and just started living in the moment. and yes ill admit i had some fun. but that feeling never lasted more than that moment. by the next day i was bored and unhappy and looking for the next thing to kill time. and before i knew it i was stuck in a rut. a boring, unproductive, living in the minute rut.

now before you go and get offended, if this is the life you live and love, let me say this. we all came to this earth with our own bodies and our own goals. if your happy where your at and you wouldnt change a thing then good for you. but for me its not good enough. i have to be moving forward. i need to push on and be productive and do things for others. i want and need constant progress in my life.

so anyways back to my thoughts. so im spending these last few weeks maybe months just doing whatever and as days go by i started realizing exactly what i started realizing the last time i was living like this. something was missing. something didnt feel right and i wasnt truly happy. but of course this time around i know exactly what it is that im missing. ive been down this road before. and thats the funny part. im sitting here knowing im unhappy, i know I'm not doing what i want and should be doing, and i even know exactly what i need to do to fix it. and yet i still ignore it and dont make a change! some of you have been here before and know exactly what im talking about. its like when you get sick and you know you should go to the doctor because it will help you recover, but you put it off cuz really, you feel "well enough", just give it some time and youll probably get better soon. why do we do this to ourselves? why do we sit here with the answer right in front of us and not reach out and grab it!

heres the real point im getting at here. we all have that voice inside us. that one that wispers little hinting thoughts about what we should or shouldnt do. most people call that our jimminy cricket aka our conscious. but i call it the holy spirit. my celestial spark. we can make whatever choices we want. but every choice we make will have its consequence. i have lived my life several different ways and ive seen what makes me truly happy. i have chosen to follow that voice, to let it guide me when i feel lost. and in order for me to be able to hear that whisper i need to eliminate the noise. i need to pick myself up, dust off, and get back on the path to my father in heaven. i dont know why i fight within myself to do what i know i need to do. i dont know what makes it so hard to keep focused. but i do know that hard work pays off and that in the end i will make it where i want to be if i just keep taking another step forward.

TRUE JOY. seek it. live it. share it.

while seeking for this joy we must face many choices and challenges. The choices we make will shape not only us, but also the outcome of our life on this life and after. When we choose to do good, this increases our POWER to chose and do good. Our agency is strengthened. "As we obey each of our fathers commandments, we grow in wisdom and strength of character. Our faith increases. We find it easier to make right choices." Start small, follow the spirit as it prompts you. It may be something as simple as "put your phone away and get back to work" it may seem so unnecessary or just doesn't matter, but by excersizing our faith to listen to the small promptings it will help build us up to be ready to accept and face the larger challenges and promptings. Be careful because this works both ways. If you continue to ignore the promptings you will become more stiff necked and may even ignore the most obvious signs and warnings.

i know this journal entry doesnt actually explain true joy. that is just what came to me after doodling that. after all this is from my personal journal and i already understand what true joy is. it comes from service to others and continually seeking to better your life and the lives of those around you. true joy is found in doing the lords will. and that is to love one another.

Ether 4

ok so i really dont know where i want to start here, all i know is that while i was reading i underlined the word "write" in the first verse, and when i looked back over what i had underlined this stood out, so i guess i must have something to get out. so here goes..

ok so heres a part that stood out to me. in verse 8 it states.

8 And he that will contend against the word of the Lord, let him be accursed; and he that shall deny these things, let him be accursed; for unto them will I show no greater things, saith Jesus Christ; for I am he who speaketh.

ok so in this chapter the lord is telling moroni that he needs to seal up the writings until the people have faith and are ready to receive them. but while i was reading this i got the feeling the lord is meaning to have a lot more general translation for us. if we are unwilling to listen to the lord and his guidence than he is going to wait until we are ready. the lord has so very much that he can teach us, but he isnt going to waste it if we arent even going to listen. he will give us the basics, the ways to bring us back to him. he really does want us to come back, he isnt hiding from us, he is just waiting to see our dedication before he gives us the next pieces of the puzzle. and i think this is at every level of faith and understanding.


then the lord goes on to say that if we will believe and listen to him, he will show us more, and he even tells us how he plans to show us.

11 But he that believeth these things which I have spoken, him will I visit with the manifestations of my Spirit, and he shall know and bear record. For because of my Spirit he shall know that these things are true; for it persuadeth men to do good.

12 And whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do good is of me; for good cometh of none save it be of me. I am the same that leadeth men to all good; he that will not believe my words will not believe me—that I am; and he that will not believe me will not believe the Father who sent me. For behold, I am the Father, I am the light, and the life, and the truth of the world.

13 Come unto me, O ye Gentiles, and I will show unto you the greater things, the knowledge which is hid up because of unbelief.

14 Come unto me, O ye house of Israel, and it shall be made manifest unto you how great things the Father hath laid up for you, from the foundation of the world; and it hath not come unto you, because of unbelief.

i dont know everything, i still struggle to figure out what i want to be, how to do math, who i will marry. these are all things im trying to figure out. and more of course. but what i do know is that when i have faith in my savior and i give him my time every day, i find that i understand things more clearly. i find things i would not have ever noticed. and i complete things more effectivly. now some people may say that im wrong, and they refuse to believe that by giving the lord my faith i can gain more understanding. and to them, all i have to say is, if you wont believe me, then try it for yourselfs, because i have tried both sides. i have gone down plenty of roads without the lords guidance and i have found, through my own school of hard knocks, that there is something to this gosple. it has an effect on every part of my life. and if i turn to the lord with my problems i find my path to be much easier to travel. and with each day that i continue to study, i find and learn so much more than i knew before. the lord is building my knowledge and understanding through my faith. and when i stop giving him my faith, i feel the void, i feel the confusion set in, and i find myself ignoring things that i know are good. 

listen to the good thoughts. listen to that little voice in your head that tells you to help a friend, to hug your family and tell them you love them. listen to that wisper that tells you to hit your knees before you hit your pillow. as you listen you will strengthen and find that there is so much more awaiting us. 

Fun vs. Joy

Do not take lightly any sin. Even the smallest sin can hold you back from eternal happiness. There comes a time in everyones life where we sin and feel guilt, we are not perfect. But do not let sin win! It may disguise itself as fun for awhile, but this is a false happiness and will not last. Faith in Christ and an honest life will bring everlasting joy! Strive to stay clean and worthy! It will be worth it in the end! Throughout school I never studied because it was more fun to go out and play with friends. I did OK in school, but at the end of every semester I always thought to myself "I could have done better". Don't let this happen in your life. You don't want to stand there on judgement day and say "I could have done better, but I was too busy having fun". Not to say that we can't have fun. Just make sure you have studied for that last day first. I fell away from this Gospel once, I ignored and lost the gift of the spirit, I only cared about the instant pleasure of the carnal mind. I wasted so much time.. Then I started to realize that I wasn't really happy, something in my life was missing. I STARTED SEARCHING, and that is when the spirit came back to me and showed me the way back to this Gospel. These moments in my life were so powerful, the Spirit was with me and often carried me. I began to pray again. I have a very strong testimony of prayer. Open your heart and mind and really SPEAK with God. He will help guide you through ANY challenge in life. Through prayer and searching inside myself I found what I was missing. I was missing the Gospel in my life. and as soon as I found it, the joy was overwhelming! NEVER LOSE THAT FEELING! I love my Savior, my God, and the Holy Spirit! I say these things in the name of my savior, Jesus Christ, amen.

Walk with GOD

The challenges we face in this life are real. They are hard, but they are never impossible. These challenges are for us to become stronger. Through faith in Christ, we do not have to face them alone. If we will but humble ourselves to Christ and to our Father in Heaven, they will walk beside us through the power of the holy ghost.

Journal entry: Friday April 8th, 2011

in a cloud
misty, hazy
days go by and life seems crazy
floating through with no direction
evasive thoughts yield no protection
i think I'm searching, seeking, wanting.
or is it just my mind is wandering?
what is out there?
its hard to see.
crowded by my misery.
plot a path, follow course
ten notches port and fly due north
rise up above, theres more to see
it beats that darkness underneath.

mysterious

Never too Busy

Sunday April 3rd (General Conference)

It is so easy to loose the feelings of the spirit. If you don't spend every day with God in your heart, how quickly you will forget his power. You must practice every day to become stronger, at all times look, look for opportunities to build and strengthen your testimony. Read the scriptures daily. Pray continuously. I cannot stress the importance enough! There will be times that you forget or feel you are too busy. I am telling you right now, THERE IS ALWAYS TIME FOR THE LORD! Please don't forget that. If you have, PRAY NOW! Start again. Nothing good comes easy. Staying strong is hard, continuous work. But IT IS WORTH IT!